Handling people is not a walk in the park. There are a lot of advices revolving around types of people you might run to and how difficult they might be. But in truth, what matters more is how you deal with them.
Take a stop and ask yourself these questions: Do you like to avoid certain people? Do you spend your time bending over backwards for others? Do you please everyone and ignore your own truth?
Most of us demonstrate one dominant habit that is not serving us well. Let’s look at these four patterns that can negatively influence how we feel after an interaction and the way to ensure we will feel good every time.
Sometimes we use one way to deal with colleagues and a different one when we are dealing with family and friends.
Accommodating
Are you a ‘YES’ person? If so, this is your pattern of choice. If you are always accommodating others, you may:
- fear rejection,
- fear abandonment,
- want to be the peacekeeper,
- think your role is to be the mediator,
- lack conflict resolution skills, or,
- be unaware of your own truth because you are too busy pleasing others.
Avoiding
Hate arguing and disagreements? Feel better avoiding others rather than facing your truth and dealing with the conflict as it is occurring?
You may hope that the conflict will go away but usually, it doesn’t. It raises its head again at another time. Avoiding does little for your well-being, unless there are high risks involved.
If you are avoiding others, you may:
- lack self-confidence to address the issues at hand,
- not have had the opportunity to learn conflict resolution skills,
- feel as if your voice will not be heard, or,
- think it is the best way to stay safe.
Cooperating
Do you always want to know what others think before you express your opinion? Do you think it is essential to make sure all solutions consider everyone’s opinions?
There are times when it is essential to cooperate with others because your needs can be met. There are other times when their opinion may violate your values and principles or worse not reflect your truth.
If we cooperate when we know we are uncomfortable with the suggested solution, we may be doing so because we:
- fear rejection or isolation,
- think we have no power in the situation,
- are afraid to express our opinion; or we
- think we should go along to get along.
Compromising
Feel better when you meet halfway with someone on things to be done? Compromising can work when the final solution meets your needs as well as those of the other party. However, it does not work when the giving meter gets imbalanced. In these cases, you will feel some resentment.
One good question to ask is, “What will I lose if I do not give all of what the other person expects of me?”
Over compromise is possible especially when we:
- fear we have more to lose than to gain,
- don’t want to disappoint the other person,
- Weigh the relationship more than the solution; or
- think we have no power.
Competing
I remember when I was reading the book, The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People by Steven Covey, and one of the principles was to practice a win-win philosophy. When we compete, we are assuming that it is appropriate for someone to lose. But the question is, “Do I really want the other party to lose? Will that serve my best interests or those of the other person?”
We compete when we:
- feel it is important to win,
- fear failure,
- need to be ‘right’; or
- think this is the way of the world.
Acknowledge What the Other Person is Saying and Speak Your Truth.
Sounds simple, right? No sir. Why? Your brain wants to talk. It doesn’t always want to listen. It thinks of its response before the other person stops talking. It wants to respond without acknowledging what it actually heard. It may even want to interpret what it heard rather than honoring the other person’s intentions.
To acknowledge means to try these steps:
- Know your Truth
- Really Listen
- Paraphrase or repeat a nugget of what the person said
- State your Truth
- Ask a relevant Question that can move the discussion to problem solving mode
- Repeat Steps 2 to 5 over and over as often as necessary until the issue is solved.
This technique is called 2 Hand And.
Key: Know your truth, stand in your power, and stay in problem-solving mode 100% of the time. Do not get caught in other person’s stories or feel you have to meet their needs all the time. You are valuable. Accept temporary discomfort but do not let things build until you feel permanent resentment.
Do you want to
- reduce stress and achieve harmony in your personal and professional life?
- be a more effective and efficient leader in your workplace?
If you want to be on top of your game, then you will benefit the most from coaching.
I am offering a free 20-minute consultation to help you decide which coaching package is best for you. Click the button below to schedule a call.
Dr. Brenda Kelleher-Flight
