Anxiety and Conflict

Reality Is a Mirror of Our Thoughts

Everyone has strengths and needs. We hold beliefs about ourselves which may or may not be true. Even when they are not true, beliefs influence how we perceive ourselves and others, as well as situations in our work environment.

This article is designed to enable us to step back and question how our beliefs are influencing our reactions – our level of anxiety – and how we can be our own best friends and stop reacting to others.

The Tape in My Head

Most of us think we know what we believe. Do we, really? One way to know what we really believe is to look at our circumstances, review what we think of others, replay how we react to our coworkers and bosses, and listen to the stories we play over and over in our heads.

Janet’s Story

Janet was a very intelligent woman who believed that her bosses were trying to push her out the door. Here is her story.

I came to this job as an engineer. I worked in the same job for 15 years. During an amalgamation, it was decided that my type of engineering was not as critical to the organization as it had been. However, there were still functions I could do and others I could learn. I did learn these other functions and was quite good at my job.

Then came the downsizing. I was told I couldn’t bump into the category of job I had been doing because I did not have the formal qualifications but I could bump into a lower classification.

I did bump. However, I’ve found over time that they keep taking work from me. I know I am as qualified as anyone else. It’s because they don’t like me. I am a professional. I speak up in a constructive manner and I know my boss does not like that. She just wants someone who agrees with everything she says.

My boss is wrong and I’m going to do everything I can to prove her wrong. Can you help me do that?

After listening to her story, it was essential to determine how much of the reaction was fear based and how much was factual. When Janet was asked how she demonstrated support for her bosses ideas, how she prepared herself academically to ensure she could bump into another position if the organization was downsized, she offered this explanation.

I’ve had six years to upgrade my skills and just haven’t. I guess it is a matter of time and money. I am better qualified in my area and feel it is my duty to correct my boss whenever I can. It’s for the benefit of the organization. I must uphold my academic standards. Seniority should count. It’s her fault. She should be providing me with professional development opportunities. It’s her job.

We can see that Janet believes that

When those three points were made, Janet was quite surprised that she held those beliefs and it took her a moment to let them register. She said they were true even though she thought the boss was definitely out to get her.

Just like Janet, we have our own stories. Our stories cause us to maneuver challenges in one of five ways. We either blame someone else, gossip about others, become harsh judges of others, recoil, or we choose to make as little contact as possible with others.

Before looking at the negative side of anxiety, it is important to examine the benefits of anxiety in the workplace.

Anxiety as a Friend

Anxiety is helpful. It is our bodies’ way of signaling that something is not right, is not going the way we would like it to go, or is violating our principles. Also, it can signal that something just needs more of our attention.

When we feel the anxiety we can begin to problem solve and take proactive measures to ensure we understand the situation and are not jumping to erroneous conclusions. We can ensure we are sufficiently engaged and are not engaging avoiding or controlling.

We can be good friends to ourselves and think about the situation from all perspectives – client/consumer, boss, coworkers, organization, etc. – before reacting.

Anxiety becomes unhelpful when we feel threatened or undervalued and let the anxiety control our reactions. In these cases, our response to anxiety has the potential to hurt our working relations and lead to conflict.

The Cost of Ignoring Our Feelings

There are several ways one can respond to one’s own anxiety. Each of the five mechanisms is described in this section.

I Have the Answer

When we become the judge, we have an opinion and answer for everything. We evaluate others’ work freely and think we have a right to make negative comments freely.

We really do not stop and listen to what we are saying. When we are speaking we are releasing some of the negative tension in our body and it feels right. We do not stop to consider is the long-term effects of those negative expressions on ourselves and the other persons.

If our choice is to be the rescuer, we have a diagnosis and solution for most things. We freely offer advice and solutions and do not stop to wonder how it will be received by the other persons. We convince ourselves that we are doing them a favour.

Unfortunately, either of these stances can hurt others and ourselves. It can strain relationships, lead to exclusion, and cause conflict.

I’m Too Busy

In my experience, underperformance can be deliberate or it can be an unconscious coping mechanism. When we feel anxious, one way to avoid any circumstance that can ‘get us in trouble’ or ‘keep us from being noticed’ is to avoid tasks or others as much as we can.

Unfortunately, when we use this mechanism, it eventually catches up to us. Our colleagues notice uncompleted work. They observe that we do not meet our targets or deadlines. Our coworkers feel that they have to pick up the slack and can grow to resent that role.

Our bosses can become frustrated that they have to watch our work and monitor our outputs. They may direct their frustration at us and we can begin to believe that they are micromanaging us or picking on us. This is how the conflict begins.

Underperformance does not mean we are not capable; it does mean we are not performing to our maximum potential. We only hurt ourselves.

We all need to feel safe. Therefore, it is vital to protect each other’s ego and practice a win – win philosophy. Exclusionary practices lead to conflict, destroy trust and in the end no one benefits. We may feel better in the moment, however, these better feelings do not last.

I Don’t Want to Get Involved

It is easy to belief that if we keep our distance trouble and conflict will not find us and we will be happy. The unfortunate part of that belief is that if we cloister ourselves no one gets to know us. Let me share Jonathan’s story.

Jonathan was having trouble with his work and his boss. Luckily for him two divisions in the organization were combined and a new boss was appointed. Jonathan determined that he didn’t want any more trouble and decided he would go to work each day and keep his office door closed except when he went for coffee or lunch breaks.

The new boss tried to talk to Jonathan. When he did, Jonathan would provide short answers to his questions. He informed his boss that he didn’t need anyone looking over his shoulder and if he missed deadlines there were professional reasons. Unfortunately, his boss had to answer for what was considered as Jonathan’s underperformance. Jonathan expressed the following

I decided to keep my door locked. If my boss is going to be coming in asking ridiculous questions I am going to stay out of trouble by locking my door. How can I get work done if he is bothering me? I will avoid him 100% of the time.

When Jonathan was asked how he would feel if he was the boss and someone treated him this way, he responded “I wouldn’t accept it but then again I am different. No one would need to do that to me.”

Distancing only works temporarily. When it is used to provide time to think and make sure we are reacting appropriately to any situation, it works. When it continues over time, others fail to get to know us and we do not provide ourselves with the opportunity to face our fears and be our own best friends. Conflict can evolve and we can become the scapegoats for others. We can been easily seen as dispensable because we do not work well with other adults.

There is help for those of us who keep our distance because we lack confidence. Paul McKenna has an excellent book titled “I Can Make You Confident.”

Pivot

One thing that helps when we feel anxious, is to pivot. This means stopping and viewing each situation from multiple points of view

• How do I see the situation?
• What would I think about this situation 10 years from now?
• How would my boss view this situation?
• How would my coworkers perceive this circumstance?
• How would the users/clients see this situation?
• How would the owners see this state of affairs?

After we pivot, we can step back and determine the beliefs which are influencing our views and reactions.

Then we can determine our potential courses of action and ask,

• Could this action cause conflict?
• Are my thoughts based on a win-win philosophy or do I want to be right?
• What are the short-, medium- and long-term effects of each potential solution?
• How would my coworkers see this situation?
• How important is this to me or am I reacting because I feel anxious?

Always remember, you are not a flawed individual. You may make poor judgements. If you do, recognize it, learn from each situation, and be your best self.

Focus on Strengths

Each of us uses different methods to protect ourselves. The key is to know what we do, accept responsibility for it, and find ways to move forward reducing the potential for conflict.

Focus on your strengths, accept your weaknesses and problem solve using your strengths.